I am 27 years old and I have a mom who has had somewhat of a hard life but as a hairdresser has only earned between $4,000 - $8,000 a year for the past 15 years. I earned academic scholarships for high school ( I took a scholarship to go to boarding school because I knew she couldn't afford to take care of me) and college and took out loans for grad school. She has no money in her savings and ever since starting college, she has relied on my brother and I to give her $500 - $1000 a month to make ends meet. I am kind of bitter that I have had to work and support her since I was 18 and it has impacted my life tremendously. We have had to live at home and have not been able to move out on our own because we each can't afford to pay for expenses for two households. I have tried to get her to restart her business to get more clients, take the GED and find another job but she can't pass the GED after two tries, bought a computer years ago hoping that she would learn how to type to get a secretarial position, put up flyers trying to attract new clients for her when I was in college, and nothing works. Without my help, she would be on the streets. I know she has been depressed for several years but I have tried to get her to see a therapist and each time she refuses to see one. She reads the bible and Joel Osteen thinking that one day she will hit the lottery or money will come out of the air. She seems to have it set in her head that my brother and I will support her financially for the rest of her life but I have $150K+ in student loans, plan on moving out when I find a new job, and want to actually save money and start building my own life. She is 62 yrs old, has no real skills besides being a hairdresser, is 10 points shy of passing the GED but no matter how much I push her I can't get her to take it a third time, is overweight, has really high blood pressure, and bad knees. I love her to death and she is a really loving person but how can I convince her that $5,000 isn't really an income, had never been, and she needs to find a job that will allow her to take care of herself. I can't ever turn my back on her but is there any job that she can do. I feel like I am trying so hard to escape poverty but she is bringing me right back, Has anyone else in this situation found a way out?
It sounds to me like maybe she has deeper medical issues, like clinical depression, that are preventing her from working. As hard as it is, it is not your duty to take care of her anymore. She is still a relatively young woman.
I would start by seeing if she can qualify for a low-income apartment on her own. Use this website: www.benefitscheckup.org to see what government programs might help her.
Next, find out if her regular doctor can encourage her to get help for depression.
Next, make an appointment with social services in your community to see if they can step in and help. For example, she might be eligible for social security disability. If she is 62, she can begin drawing her regular social security, and that will increase her income a little bit, especially if she was married for more than 10 years, as she could draw benefits off of her husband's income.
Basically, you are a wonderful daughter, but she is treating you like a crutch, so you should wean her off of that to protect yourself.
Sit down and talk with her, and tell her that your plan is to move out on X date, and when you do, your own bills will be such that the most you will ever be able to give her is some small token amount ($25 a month maybe), so she needs to plan to do something to improve her situation and give her the ideas you will see from others who answer here.
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Yes, those prosperity preachers are a bummer. I hope she hasn't been talked into tithing to them--especially with *your* money.
It sounds like mom is claiming to be the parent--choosing where she lives, what she eats and what she spends...but if she makes $4K a year and asks the two of you to chip in $12,000, she doesn't even rate roommate status. She's practically *your* child without any of the tax benefits. (If she makes more than $3650, you can't even claim her as a dependent.)
Sit down and do budgets from YOUR perspective only. If you lived by yourself, what would the budget look like? If you lived with a roommate (your brother or someone else), what would your budget look like? If you treated mom as the child she's been acting like--room, board and an allowance--how much would it cost to have another bedroom? And finally, if you didn't support mom, how much could she get in SSI, welfare, food stamps and what would it cost to rent a room in a boarding house?
Hate to add more rain, but have you ever seen her SSA earnings report? Many hairdressers are self-employed and often fail to file their taxes...to with her $4000 to $8000 income, did she *ever* file taxes?
(With children, until you got out of school, she *might* have been able to get EIC, so she probably would have filed those years.)
Does she *have* 10 years of SSA credits so she can get an SS check?
At 62, she'd get a reduced benefit (and on $4-$8K of yearly income it won't be much. If she worked 10 years it's a pittance. if she worked 35 years, it might be $225-$600). With no income and no assets, she might qualify for SSI after you move out.
Hello I do want to offer a solution rather being unbiased to your situation. You could listen to all of the comments in the world but they may not aid in bringing about change. Offer this to her. This is an opportunity to work at home, raise her child and generate double if not more a year for her a year and she would also get benefits as well. http://www.apwebinar.com/reeds have her view the webisite, we can get her a phone interview scheduled Toll Free: 888-339-2921 and she could start today and be covered with benefits today as well. I pray this is the solution to the problem God Bless!
She is not your responsibility. You need to talk to a therapist or go to family counseling. You cannot live like this or she will prevent your from living your own life.
She may need to take charge of her own life, finally.
Take a job in another town or state and tell her she is on her own .
She will do something to get better. Trust me, she will.
Angie, dear....
I don't mean to be harsh, but rather need you to be the adult here. You can not live your moms life, you must proceed with your future plans, including taking care of you first. Your life is ahead of you, you have your obligations, and you took the right steps in getting your own education.
It is wonderful for you to have tried to help your mom, but she doesn't respond to you, and has no interest in taking steps to better herself. Please for your sake, get your own job, your own place and start your life. You can not succeed if you must drag her around. Both of you will fail. She may qualify for her social security, but it will be small. And she must see social services for help. But God also expects us to move forward in faith, and to be hard workers....not just listeners of Joel.
You may feel guilt, but for what. You tried...she failed, and so will you if you don't get your head in the right direction.
You should have grown a pair and stopped supporting her years ago. She'll never stand on her own unless you force her.
well my father is a little bit younger then her but its just funny that things that they do and say at the age when they don't have a retirement saving or anything like that in their hand at the age. my father have some health problems as well. but I advise him to apply for social security disability if his health don't allow him too work much. one thing I can tell you is that it is good that she keep her self occupied. but since she is a little overweight hair dressing may not be the best thing for her to do at the moment since it can really mess up the knees. ok she is your that mother your only one obviously, so I'll say try not to turn your back on her, for example try to work near your town, you know like even if you move on your own you still be around her.
also one thing try to get her or tell her to get out the little circle that she lives in. like helping other people is a good way to combat depression and so on. hope my answer can help you a little.